i'm trembling so hard with rage now i dun even know if i'm talking sense. i didn't wanna blog today but just found it too hard not to talk about something that just happened. wad the hell. if i spewed vulgarities, all would come out now. luckily enough, i'm still considered sane right now.
i'm about to blow, not for thinking too much bout that person cos i know it's officially over. yet i'm officially sick. it's about something that just happened. though that person still contributes to my current situation and my sickness and my 'dunno y i always wash my head so thoroughly everyday but still like that' head that is balding from some fungus from dunno where.
ahhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate it. y do i have to go thru all this. unfair? i really dunno. i must have been evil my past life. ok... by now u probably wanna know wad sparked me of. it's another one of those sessions where my sis enters my room to lecture me on how i never cared about the family and i'm always only doing my own stuff and never ask about wad's goin on in their lives. oh pls... i care too much. must i spell out everything i say, do or think to u. how do i convey it. it's probably my character. often assuming others know how i feel for them inside but they actually dun. i think that's something i have to change cos many times i do so much for others but get ill treated in the end. my lack of outspokeness often led to misunderstandings. i'm a really nice person. i just dun deserve all this rubbish.
stop saying things like that. as if anything is going on in the fam. choi. there's nothing wad, so stop making a fuss out of it. it just scares me more, though i already have so much in my mind to think, clear and fear.
u said i din reply to ur mails. i really didn't and i told u it was cos i never did anything. update wad? u said i never cared or ask. btw, i pray for u each night. not that i want to say it out loud but u forced me to. i used my life as a bet for ur every small happiness, health and safety. and that anything bad on the family have to go thru me first. if there was anything, i would take it all and even die for u. wad makes u think the hell i dun care? how dare u judge me like that. yes, i seldom ask u about ur life. but i did when u returned. i said. how was it? and u said... ok lor. u chose to reply me like that and u expect me to ask more in future? and u accused me of not asking at all, not once. ha. u seem to forget things huh? and only rmb me as the evil, uncaring one.
also, u said i never spend time at home. hello?! in the first place i'm in camp all the time and the rest of my time i can't use the com at home? that's all the time i have with it anyway! not that i dun wanna bring in my laptop to use. and i cant go out with frens? ya. prob i go out more often with frens. u know y? they seem to care more about me than u do, u said it urself bout ur frens. who r u to say me.
i'm already having suicidal thoughts now. bet u din know that. and u think u know so much about me? and u say i dun even care or wan to know anything about u? that's such an insult! a great big understatement! slander! yes, i may have spoken little to u cos u're always hostile in ur words. stop denying and defending urself. Yes u r. i'm saying it again. simply bcos u r close to me everything u say pricks that's y i ask less. i know ok, trust me, i know. stop saying i dun. i dun ask don't mean i don't care. cos deep in my heart as long as i know u're safe and healthy i'm glad. my role always have been the one standing by one side watching over u silently. i may not come out all the time but at least i know u're ok. it has never been the " hi how r u. hugs and kisses kind." i dun mind know? i really dun. but somehow i can't. i wan. and i'll try harder to build this siblinghood. is there such a word? anyway. i want it more than u do, if not at least the same.
at this point, as long as i know u're ok, i leave u alone for a while. cos i seriously need time to deal with my own stuff. to heal my own wounds! as long as u're ok each day i'm happy but i may not have time to chat everyday. again i emphasize, i wan to. but now i dun have time. dealing with so much now, i bet u dunno. i spend so much time in camp. the only times i can go out r weekends. and also the only times i can properly do my admin work. and now my sickness. more seriously, matters of the heart i wanna share with u but haven got the chance and courage too. i understand that's probably mistake on my part and i apologise. but u telling me off just now was really bad timing. not that any other time would be good.
btw, talking about me and my 'lack of care', wad about the care and concern i need? u say me but u urself dun seem to be showing me any! i need so much right now, when i'm so depressed. oh... i bet u din know that cos u were too busy blaming me and insulting me at the time when i'm already so vulnerable. i dun have time and heart for this. i'm already so weak and u use family to push me further. like i dun have enough problems on hand now? y not love, instead of blatant scolding. y not try to understand better. see things from my side and u'll be able to view from my shoes. u'll probably feel the guilt of scolding me then. u say so many things that i never do but i actually do do them in silent yet i dun want to fight back cos i know it'll end up worse. it'll seem like i'm boasting bout how much i care. and though it seems like i'm ignoring u. i'm listening just that i know it's best to just listen and not rebutt.
so many times i wanna share and ask bout u and all. the approach we all want. but the shyness in me and the constant bad memories of u giving me harsh words when i needed comfort made me withdraw the thought. so now u know y. and that's y i ended up turning to frens more. dun blame me for that. and if i were to go to u now and start talking, it would seem so fake just cos u told me off that's y i talked to u. i need time to recover. esp now. but it seems like u never ever understand or give chances. before i'm ready to open up again, u come and bring me down once more...
ok... enough of vomiting.
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