ok weird...

i know it's gonna be really dumb saying this, esp for most still in service, but i dun wanna ord so soon...

being so sure i wanted to leave the service as soon as i stepped foot on tekong, i'm not so anymore. although i wouldn't wanna go through the entire experience again, i know what's pulling me back to ns.

i've learnt so much in camp. not so much on character or discipline or whatever shit they say they will instill in you, but more of social responsibilities and self-portrayal. somewhat how u would react to in a worklife situation. i mean, these are probably neccesities one should already have had while undergoing the grinding by society, but somehow the naive me only realised harsh facts that really bothered me when i came to army. and i can safely say it's the company (ppl, not o or b) that really influenced me. i mean, i'm still me, no doubt, the fun-loving stupid child. but i've seen ppl change in front of me and it tempted me to betray myself so many times to convert my face but then i stood my ground, thanks to many supportive friends. though the nasty vibe of many others haven't seem to fade away, i'll try to forget.

other then this ugly side of ns that i've learnt of, there are plenty of great, fun, silly memories i'm definitely going to keep.

the best of course, is friendship. the strong bonds forged when we experience the same toughness of life and start bitching on others. haha. that's gotta happen sometime in your lifetime. thanks guys, once again for helping me pass my harshest moments. and i know i've never really been the best friend around for u as well. hopefully u'll forgive my bluntness and annoyance!

and of course, the part of me that wants to stay is the lazy part. we have gone through all thick and thin and now is the time when we relax before we ord. so practically, we do nothing but eat sleep, and exercise once in a while. u get so much free time, u can play, read up, write, instrument, etc. we're really in a stress free mode now (definitely not complaining!) where we keep ourselves fit and healthy, and build up talents! originally, it's ccc (civilian conversion course, as they call it), that preps u or at least gives u a break before steeping back into real life again. but somehow, i've gotten used to the slacking, and i dun really feel like moving. face it, u're doing nothing but enjoying yourself everyday and u even get to go out and play each night (nights out), while earning a steady and stable income despite this period of recession and global economic downturn! i mean, who wouldn't want this? i dun really wanna be thrown out there again to be tortured by society, and of course, with an empty wallet and stomach. can't shop anymore... ahhhh!!! ok... i know, i'm running away, but wouldn't u, if u knew wad u're about to face?

sigh ppl. enjoy ur life now. before it ends... muahahahahaha!!!

went out...

went to watch beverly hills chihuahua on fri. so s0. wouldn't have watched it if not for the company of kf and calv. ok lah, had a long-needed laugh.

then we went to this jazz bar at clarke quay. the singer was not bad. i had 42 below kiwi, which tasted ok though really fragrant. guess i'm not really a vodka person. next, we went to this ktv bar at boat quay. wanted to relive the fun times we had after ord func at whiskey bar but it was full so we went to the one beside it at qb cool bar. it was so uncool. the reason y we went in wasn't for the drinks cos we already had quite a few, but was for the fun of meeting ppl, singing and hoping to earn some drinks. but it was quite boring that day. i think it would be more fun with more ppl. shall ask more to come with me next time, though i think it would be months later. me and kf decided that we should drink less or stop all together at least for the time being. let my body rest. i'm not so much of a drinker to begin with.
p.s. i haven lost my clubbing virginity, that's way cool.

sorry, side tracked too much, anyway, that cool bar was totally uncool. never go to the one beside whisky bar. they were so practical. just cos we ordered less drinks (as we had elsewhere already), we didn't get to sing. our 2 out of 10 plus songs only came out after a lot of others', and then we were ignored all the way.

so we left shortly and went further down to another ktv bar. haha. we obviously wanted to sing that much. and we drank a bit more and sang the whole night, or morning till 6 before we headed home. haha. 3 bars in a night, hardcore. but we drank little all in all, esp me. so we were pretty much normal. except for kf's famous tomato face, haha!

alright, life is going back on track. thank u all once more.

I apologise...

Talking about misunderstandings... I seem to be a victim of it and also a huge criminal for it.
I would like to take this chance to apologise to my sis about my previous entries.

well, I've always complained about how my sis dun understand me, but then I too dun really know. So it's both our fault that communication wasn't successful.

Just hope that we could start being great siblings again! love, and sorry.

Avenue Q!

haha. just watched it this sun, with jy and sam. really funny! brightened my day.

then we went to lerk thai (or jerk thai as i like to call it...hee) to have some traditional authentic taste of siam. it was ok, but really just so-so. not recommended unless u're a hard core thai fan. even so, the prices aren't that affordable. so it's a no go for me.

ok... starting my new life, without distractions...

thanks and sorry

thanks for all who cared! and sorry for the previous post. it was an emotional outburst for me but i'm now much better. thx so much!

take care u all!

enough is enough!

i'm trembling so hard with rage now i dun even know if i'm talking sense. i didn't wanna blog today but just found it too hard not to talk about something that just happened. wad the hell. if i spewed vulgarities, all would come out now. luckily enough, i'm still considered sane right now.

i'm about to blow, not for thinking too much bout that person cos i know it's officially over. yet i'm officially sick. it's about something that just happened. though that person still contributes to my current situation and my sickness and my 'dunno y i always wash my head so thoroughly everyday but still like that' head that is balding from some fungus from dunno where.

ahhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate it. y do i have to go thru all this. unfair? i really dunno. i must have been evil my past life. ok... by now u probably wanna know wad sparked me of. it's another one of those sessions where my sis enters my room to lecture me on how i never cared about the family and i'm always only doing my own stuff and never ask about wad's goin on in their lives. oh pls... i care too much. must i spell out everything i say, do or think to u. how do i convey it. it's probably my character. often assuming others know how i feel for them inside but they actually dun. i think that's something i have to change cos many times i do so much for others but get ill treated in the end. my lack of outspokeness often led to misunderstandings. i'm a really nice person. i just dun deserve all this rubbish.

stop saying things like that. as if anything is going on in the fam. choi. there's nothing wad, so stop making a fuss out of it. it just scares me more, though i already have so much in my mind to think, clear and fear.

u said i din reply to ur mails. i really didn't and i told u it was cos i never did anything. update wad? u said i never cared or ask. btw, i pray for u each night. not that i want to say it out loud but u forced me to. i used my life as a bet for ur every small happiness, health and safety. and that anything bad on the family have to go thru me first. if there was anything, i would take it all and even die for u. wad makes u think the hell i dun care? how dare u judge me like that. yes, i seldom ask u about ur life. but i did when u returned. i said. how was it? and u said... ok lor. u chose to reply me like that and u expect me to ask more in future? and u accused me of not asking at all, not once. ha. u seem to forget things huh? and only rmb me as the evil, uncaring one.

also, u said i never spend time at home. hello?! in the first place i'm in camp all the time and the rest of my time i can't use the com at home? that's all the time i have with it anyway! not that i dun wanna bring in my laptop to use. and i cant go out with frens? ya. prob i go out more often with frens. u know y? they seem to care more about me than u do, u said it urself bout ur frens. who r u to say me.

i'm already having suicidal thoughts now. bet u din know that. and u think u know so much about me? and u say i dun even care or wan to know anything about u? that's such an insult! a great big understatement! slander! yes, i may have spoken little to u cos u're always hostile in ur words. stop denying and defending urself. Yes u r. i'm saying it again. simply bcos u r close to me everything u say pricks that's y i ask less. i know ok, trust me, i know. stop saying i dun. i dun ask don't mean i don't care. cos deep in my heart as long as i know u're safe and healthy i'm glad. my role always have been the one standing by one side watching over u silently. i may not come out all the time but at least i know u're ok. it has never been the " hi how r u. hugs and kisses kind." i dun mind know? i really dun. but somehow i can't. i wan. and i'll try harder to build this siblinghood. is there such a word? anyway. i want it more than u do, if not at least the same.

at this point, as long as i know u're ok, i leave u alone for a while. cos i seriously need time to deal with my own stuff. to heal my own wounds! as long as u're ok each day i'm happy but i may not have time to chat everyday. again i emphasize, i wan to. but now i dun have time. dealing with so much now, i bet u dunno. i spend so much time in camp. the only times i can go out r weekends. and also the only times i can properly do my admin work. and now my sickness. more seriously, matters of the heart i wanna share with u but haven got the chance and courage too. i understand that's probably mistake on my part and i apologise. but u telling me off just now was really bad timing. not that any other time would be good.

btw, talking about me and my 'lack of care', wad about the care and concern i need? u say me but u urself dun seem to be showing me any! i need so much right now, when i'm so depressed. oh... i bet u din know that cos u were too busy blaming me and insulting me at the time when i'm already so vulnerable. i dun have time and heart for this. i'm already so weak and u use family to push me further. like i dun have enough problems on hand now? y not love, instead of blatant scolding. y not try to understand better. see things from my side and u'll be able to view from my shoes. u'll probably feel the guilt of scolding me then. u say so many things that i never do but i actually do do them in silent yet i dun want to fight back cos i know it'll end up worse. it'll seem like i'm boasting bout how much i care. and though it seems like i'm ignoring u. i'm listening just that i know it's best to just listen and not rebutt.

so many times i wanna share and ask bout u and all. the approach we all want. but the shyness in me and the constant bad memories of u giving me harsh words when i needed comfort made me withdraw the thought. so now u know y. and that's y i ended up turning to frens more. dun blame me for that. and if i were to go to u now and start talking, it would seem so fake just cos u told me off that's y i talked to u. i need time to recover. esp now. but it seems like u never ever understand or give chances. before i'm ready to open up again, u come and bring me down once more...

ok... enough of vomiting.

falling sick...

lately, i haben't been feeling too well. probably cos of my problem. i've been wrecking my sleeping hours and i'm like forever tired. somehow i think my body just wanna lie on bed and never get up again. it's its way of defence against depression i think. making u rest and avoiding confrontation at any cost. no matter how much i sleep i never get energised. well...actually i haven been sleeping lah. thinking about it all the time though i know perfectly well i shud not. i think i'm having sleeping disorders, something called the 慢性疲劳综合症。which in my case is shown by everlasting fatigue. i'm falling sick as well. always feverish. think that's another way the body is trying to make me rest. but no matter how ill i m, i'll drag myself back to camp on mon, cos... it's the day.

yup. just did recollections today. din think i sang too well. din sing much in the first place cos the other main singers were strong enough they don't really need me there. i shud probably join the church choir or something. at least they need more help there...oh yes...much more help. haha. always been contemplating. sigh. one more day has passed, useless. wasting my time. buck up, me! thanks for all who helped!

love, jordan

哭也哭过了，该是笑的时候了。

so much have been going on this year. never felt for someone so much before. thinking of you all the time is sure tiring. u know, i wan it to stop and i'm gonna try hard. though it's not gonna be easy. dunno how long the recovery's gonna take......

i love u too much for my own good. all e time i have, u're inside. u're not leaving my memories that quickly. i have cried, hurt myself and did so many silly things to ease the pain. seems like wrist slitting ain't too far fetched an option. well, dun worry guys, i fear pain too much to have it done. having gone thru far too much myself. i always thought the dramatic scenes in tv serials about breakups were so impossible and i would ask myself, "how is it possible that one can be so sad?". but right now, i'm experiencing similarities.though i've never been in a relationships before, i have heard and saved many for others. glad that i could help them. but easier said than done when u apply the same words to yourself......

i always tell others to be strong. so i'm gonna stay with my own words. be strong!

to you (if u're even reading this): i'm really glad u took it in your stride when it was revealed. wad a nice friend! i'll be missing u. wishing u all the best in everything u do. i wont even step in anymore though i still wanna meet up next time. take care, ok?

missing u...

I can't help it. I think of u all the time. and now that u're leaving on the 10th nov, I really dunno wad to do. whether my confession could bring me chances (i know the chances r so so low), or could from then on destroy the friendship (if this is the closest we can get, i appreciate it and rather not lose this.), i dunno how i shud face it. i dun wanna regret my decision, either revealing it to u or not. i dun even know whether or not u know i like u. sometimes u seem to know but other times u dun, maybe u know it's impossible so u choose to turn away the thought. but whenever i see u, i feel so exhilarated. dunno how i'm gonna deal with not seeing u after being able to see u all this while. many times, so so many times, i've got the strong urge to tell u the truth, about y i'm acting like that, and even wad i feel for u, but frens around me stopped me. i understand the chances are almost none. but i always feel that if i dun say i never will get a chance... at least u know. so in case u decide to take a chance on me, u know i'm available. it may not be now, but when u realise it next time, i dun wanna regret not letting u know and thus missing the great possibility. wad if it's mutual but u weren't sure if i was ok. nah... wad r the chances. i really wanna be with u... yet i dun wanna scare u away. i will hate myself for that. at least i'm still quite close to u now. wad if u rather not know and i tell u? will it be awkward when we meet up in future? sigh, all the uncertainties...

when i see u with s, i feel so happy for u both. seriously, u too r so compatible, so sweet, so ever-loving. that's y i know i m in no position to be with u. i dun wanna spoil all this (not like i have the ability anyway), but i cant stop myself from falling for u. my heart is with u all the time, though i dun think u know. the real reason y i didn't wanna see s was cos i knew i couldn't take it. i'd have mixed feelings, half of me wishing u both the best and wanting to see u get married have kids and live that wonderful life u both would definitely have yet the other half of me feels envious and angry with myself for being the way i m, for acting and feeling for u like that. despite wanting u two to be together, i want it too. really trying to save myself. Lord save my soul from final demnation!

Everything.Super.Yields.Jordan