should i? would u?

actually the title was just to entice ppl. haha. dun get me wrong! i was just thinking whether i shud have a birthday party. i mean afterall. it's my big 21st which is supposedly the biggest one i wouls celebrate with all my friends and family. but i'm not. and i know i can never go back tot he day i turn 21. sigh. i wanna organise something nice.

u know wad i want to do on my birthday? have loads of fun for a long duration and meet up with all my friends. and it happens at different times so i get to talk to all my friends individually. and of course, i'll bring my fam out for a gorgeous night at some atas restuarant. i'll treat. cos it's the day my mum went thru pain to bring me to the world. i was thinking 100 per person. so i can finally go somewhere where i can love all the food i see on tv and have a atas life for a while. somewhere with desserts... the line at shang? or some chinese or japanese or tepanyaki? *drooling*

i was thinking about fake personalities the other day. not emoing, just thinking. i've been seriously thinking about my constant unhappiness. wad cheers me up? i need to do something about it. so i thought, and thought, and thought. and this is wad i came up with so far.

when i don't express myself fully, ppl seem to like me better. i tend to be more outspoken when i'm more fake. but ppl like that side of me cos i become more bubbly and fun to be with. so i become happier. but it's fake! so knowing that i'm not so true with myself, i become sad. haha, i know... so drama. so i return to my quiet self and ppl think i'm weird. so i'm now real but sad. y ah, y must be so like that?

i checked with a few frens to make sure i ain't being paranoid, and asked them about thier first impressions of me. and the ans are generally: i dun rmb. that's not bad, but not good either. not that i wanna be noticed. so tired of being in a dark cave where all u see is darkness or rock walls that creeps danger. ok. abit kua zhang. haha.

i haven't come out yet. cos not everyone may accept it for who i m. so i cannot totally involve myself. i constantly hold back ideas or words and give a neutral reply when i really just wanna be truthful and say was i think. the suppression of the true self is killing me.

once again, i'm living in singapore. being disillusional. seeing my friends over here when they obviuosly aren't. even those who i weren't close to i wanna meet. me ah... dunno wad i'm thinking. and missing out on all the 21st is real hard! i look at all the bdae parties and invitations and photos on fb and i always so wish i were there! sigh. wad can i do? so, u think i shud have my own celeb at the end of the yr to sub the one i didn't have on my actual bdae? will u come? then again... will anyone come?